^ That might sound like something an over-dramatic teen would say, but some people really and truly aren't capable of sleeping. In addition to well-known issues like insomnia, there's this horrifyingly creepy genetic disorder that causes the prions in people's brains to rearrange themselves, literally causing them to be unable to sleep. Sufferers' brains are unable to refresh and rest up during usual sleep periods, and you eventually end up going insane and dying simply because of lack of sleep.

It sounds rather Edgar Allan Poe, I know, but it's true. I read about it in Newsweek when I was 16 and it has haunted me ever since. (I drop this subtle hint for you to be wowed by the fact that I was so well-read at that age; never mind the fact that I was just hungry for reading material in a language that did not limit me to baby books)

I'm being dramatic because it's the fourth or fifth night in a row I haven't been able to sleep because of this awful, dry, hacking cough that's the combined result of allergies (to what, I don't know) and the Ridiculously Dry Air produced by heaters. I am grateful for central heating - we didn't have any in Taiwan, which was wet and rainy about 92% of the wintertime - but since I grew up in a sub-tropical region, all this dry air just doesn't sit well with me. I adore my big bedroom, but have come to realize its size is a drawback because the humidifier my brother lent me doesn't make a dent in the powdered-dust feel of the air. I have actually resorted to sleeping on my cold bathroom floor once or twice, just for the sake of the relief afforded by steam from my hot running shower beside me. I know, the picture of pity. It sucks because then I can't work and function right the next morning, and I freak out stressing out over how tired and distracted I will feel. I'm just a lovely person like that. 

Let's see... I feel like my life is very mundane right now. I haven't used my brain in a long time... whether to solve the world's problems or to better understand myself, either way. That being said, I do miss blogging. I am a better, more balanced person when I journal, if only because all of my thoughts are in one place. I really loved the concept of a Pensieve (Harry Potter) - how cool to be able to physically "pull" your memories and store them somewhere or maybe share them. So I thought I'd brain-dump some random thoughts from yesterday. 

Valentine's Day. I didn't realize it was so worthy of being inquired after (although I probably should have). I found it amusing that many well-intentioned people asked me how my Valentine's went, and looked pityingly at me when I mentioned Michael didn't live in town/no, we didn't do anything/no, I didn't want to do anything. I mean, I wasn't lying? Believe you me, I like to be loved and made much of in my own way - I just don't like to share that day with many other people for comparison purposes, ha. I am not a particularly noble-minded female... maybe just one without much use for ruffles and roses. 

Since the typical chocolate-and-flowers trick doesn't seem to do it for me, I thought I'd document a few ways I do enjoy the company of my fellow human beings:

1) I'm passionate about stories. Some people need metrics and statistics to prove that something will work for them - I'm big on anecdotes and "testimonies." Saying the divorce rate has historically been under X percent until the last 50 years does nothing for me. Hearing one or two stories about a couple who made it to 70 years against all odds, on the other hand, makes me so hopeful for the future that I want to sign up and say "I do" right then and there. (The story must not be corny, though... or overrated... or commercialized into a movie... Channing Tatum, you know what you did)

1a) and on that note, communication is huge for me. As a girl and as a wedding vendor, I am thoroughly up to date on all the successful, corny, public, and sometimes not-so-successful wedding proposal ideas around. Most make me go like Gru's mom from Despicable Me: 

(In a nutshell, "Eh!") It's not that I am cynical or jaded about love - some really do make me smile and tear up a little bit. However, I think our culture is so much of a meme/YouTube/Pinterest society now that we're always looking for inspiration from ideas previously executed. There's always been a healthy, and even a worthy category of respect reserved for successful covers and remakes, but I don't think any couple's love story should fall in that bucket. 

I've heard a couple of people mention a private blog or book that they created for their fiancees, though - where they kept a running log, or maybe a record of private "love" moments, that they wanted to share as a collective account later on. Personally, I'd take a private blog of my significant other's, or friend's, thoughts over a diamond ring of any size any day. They don't even have to be about me, or our future, or anything like that. I'm just petrified of spending time with shallow people (shallow of me, I know) because I don't like being bored. Knowing and understanding how someone else thinks is really special to me, because it helps me understand how best to respond to them and love them in return. 

Which brings me to: 

2) Understanding and being understood is really important to me. There's a popular book that describes "Five Love Languages" - five main categories of ways in which most people enjoy being cared for. "Being understood" kind of falls in the Venn diagram overlap of "quality time", "acts of service", and maybe "words of affirmation", I think, but it honestly isn't a good fit for any of those so I've chosen to pull it out and make it my own personal standard of care. I think there's a huge difference between "understanding" and "agreeing" - for instance, a mom could understand her kid's desire to eat three cookies before dinnertime but not agree that it's a good idea. BUT it does make it so much easier to connect with said kid, right, if you can show him/her that you really do get why their idea is appealing? It always worked best for me, anyway. It is so important for me to understand people, in fact, that I don't even feel loved on almost any other front (whether with gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or words of affirmation) if someone can't get what I am trying to say. It makes me second-guess my ability to speak logically, but even more so, it makes me feel like my thoughts and emotions aren't valid. Of course, then I become an unhinged wreck of destruction and make a mess of the situation. :P 

But yeah - I think it's hard for me to form close friendships because most people come into situations with a pre-conceived notion of right or wrong. If I say or think something that contradicts their belief system (even if it's a good challenge), and they react negatively just from a knee-jerk reaction, I instantly shut down inside. Oh, I can still carry on small talk like nobody else's business, but I can always tell when my mental friend meter has just slammed shut the garage door and said "NOPE, not leavin' home today!"

3) I hesitate to mention gifts, because they're a tricky subject. I like gifts, but I don't just like things. I don't care for things that I don't want, and that you just had sitting around in your "gift stash" (but I won't diss you too much because I totally have a gift stash of my own). I don't care about handmade simply for the sake of handmade - I like things that I would actually use or that were specifically made for me with one of my needs in mind (i.e. buying me something on Etsy because I like craftsy things is nice, but I would rather you made me something you thought I'd want, even with errors and flaws). But sometimes people manage to pull together these perfect, personalized packages of love - maybe even just a fancy piece of artwork scribbled on homework paper - that totally disarm me. I don't even have to receive a tangible item in order to feel loved - I just want someone to be able to say, "I put time and effort into finding this for you. To the best of my understanding, this is what I think you could most use." 

(Funny story: I asked for printed band-aids for my third birthday (my dad passed along the info to the parents of my friends who were coming to the party). If someone had just asked me why I wanted them so much, I'm sure I would've saved a lot of people lots of money on all those expensive toys they bought me instead. I don't even remember what all I got, but obviously those $40 Barbies weren't as memorable as their $2.19 plastic boo-boo-taping counterparts)

Case in point: My youngest two brothers apparently spent many hours consulting with my mom via email about what to buy me for my birthday this year. They both apologized to me for not having a good idea what to get, but that honestly melted me more than any actual thing would have. 

4) I feel loved by a challenge. I know I am a supremely bossy person who has never been wrong before in my life. (Srsly) But nothing makes me respect and want a person more than when they call me out on something I thoughtlessly said, or didn't fully research, and am spouting off as gospel truth just because I can get away with it. I don't know if it's just that I'm big on keeping face or something like that, but I am really anxious to always improve myself. I recognize that I have blind spots, and I feel like it takes a real friend to call me out on those in a straightforward manner. (Heck, it was the #1 trait Michael had going for him!) It's especially important because life is so easy right now. People have traditionally found companionship in facing struggles together - however, our first-world-problems of not knowing where to invest our money for the best returns, or fighting over where to go on vacation, or fretting because we didn't get chocolates and a fancy date night on Valentine's - have pitted people against each other instead of pulling them closer together. I know I'm much less tolerable in close quarters, so I really appreciate someone who calls me on my BS. It makes me feel like they're correcting me because they know we're together for the long haul, and I won't be tolerable for the next 50 years if I don't shape up. Of course, if I disagree, I get to engage in the next thing I enjoy, which is 

5) fighting. I'm sure not everyone likes this, but I am a big proponent of fighting. I don't fight with anyone I don't give a damn about (unless it's over an issue I care about). It's my way of showing that I care and I think this relationship will last in the long haul. The people I don't fight with should be concerned because I will politely drop them at some point or another (or maybe they will drop me, who knows).

Man, I am just as long-winded (and vague) as I ever was. 10 years of blogging hasn't done me any good. So, as a quick summary, Kat likes people who:

1) Have a story to tell. 

2) Choose to share the back story and thought process with her, and to understand her story and thoughts in return.

3) Bonus points for gifting her items that creatively illustrate their understanding of what makes her tick.

4) Understand her well enough to know she wants you to call her out when she's wrong.

5) Don't take it personally when she puts up a fight about it. Either she'll admit she was wrong, or else she will bring you around to her point of view. OR maybe you could call a truce, but the chances of that are slim.

Oh the Lord, our strength and song, highest praise to him belongs
Christ the Lord, the Conquering King, Your Name we raise, Your triumphs sing

Praise the Lord, our Mighty Warrior
Praise the Lord, the Glorious One
By his hand we stand in victory,
By his Name we overcome

Though the storms of hell pursue, In darkest night we worship You
You divide the raging sea, From death to life You safely lead

All the saints and angels bow, Hosts of heaven crying out
Glory Glory to the King, You reign for all eternity

The Lord shall reign forever and ever
The Lord shall reign forever and ever

(I heard this song on Sunday at church, during the 15 minutes or so that I spent in the actual service. It was the first time I'd been to church in months - not because of any real reason other than chronic fatigue and a vague sense of not belonging. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I would like it a lot if church consisted of 3-hour worship services and nothing else. No preaching, no personal application, no need to get into small groups and shareeeeee about myself to people whose religious fervor prevents them from listening to my real state of mind)

I'll be honest. I'm not OK with the way I grew up, with the "faith" I've seen so many exhibit. I spoke with someone today who was all excited about the power of the Lord. He was convinced that God could overcome anything. I politely pointed out to him that, to some people who grow up the way I do and who have seen worse misinterpretation than I have, faith and God are the last things they turn to in hard times. 

It reminds me of interning at IJM. Our leaders constantly pointed out that, in America, we turn to the police for solace and rescue when we are being mugged, abused, and otherwise having our rights stripped from us. But for many people in other parts of the world, they actively flee the police because they are the oppressors. 

I realize that a lot of the things in my background still hurt - a lot. I acknowledge that there are certain trigger words, phrases and attitudes that make me prickle up like my pet hedgehog. I hope someday I can reach a place where I no longer fear or dread the pain I and others have endured at the hands of those who claim to be doing so on God's behalf.

I don't have a lot more to say tonight. It's been a rough week, and I'm still struggling to understand the "why" behind everything. I don't have a lot of tolerance for spiritual abuse, yet I've been on the perpetrator end myself and I can only ask for mercy on that front. 

Man, these people who never bother to think about deeper issues are so fortunate. I imagine they get a lot more sleep than I do. :P 

======================================

I really miss the me that got to travel around to random places, had no compulsion whatsoever about couch-surfing (although I owe all of you nice hosts gifts now that I have money to my name), and could squander away my time. 

Instead, I am currently living in suburban America (not quite even), raising two boys (although that's barely true), tied down to commitment on all fronts (although I mostly like it). Oh, freedom, I long for thee. 

I sure do miss blogging. I feel very frazzled and disorganized without a tidy place to put my thoughts. 

But I definitely want to remember yesterday, so here goes: 

Michael stayed an extra day in order to celebrate my birthday with me. I couldn't take the day off because it was the end of the month, but I picked him up afterward so we could hit up Uchiko. I've wanted to take Michael on an omakase (chef's tasting) experience ever since I was treated to one earlier this month. I have to say, I have never before in my life considered a $200+ dining experience "worthwhile" (I almost always prefer items/purchases over experiences/food)... but seriously, at the Uchi/Uchiko chain it is one of those things you save up for. (I've gotta wait a while again) Anyway, I wanted to treat him to the same experience but he won the argument because it was my birthday. 

We kicked off the night with a readily available seat directly under the chalkboard. Michael noticed a sign that said "pickled hedgehog" and got really sad because he didn't want anyone eating his pet's cousins. While he went off to wash his hands, I flagged a waiter and inquired about the hedgehog situation. Turns out, they're pickled hedgehog MUSHROOMS. :))) 

We had a good laugh about that. (P.S. on an unrelated note, watching our hedgehog eat mealworms is hilarious)

The food was amazing. I should show my terribly-colored iPhone photos sometime. Suffice it to say that Michael got goosebumps from the taste alone. 

I texted Olivia halfway through the meal because Olivia is the most intense foodie I know. I don't mean this in the sense that she likes to nom nom on nibbles, no. I mean she regularly saves her pennies for her chef's tastings and plans her travels around the renowned restaurants in the area. (I, on the other hand, like to totally wing my trips and wander about looking for artsy-fartsy things to photograph). 

Coming back to the part about texting Olivia... the sneaky monster then calls the restaurant and pays our tab before we finish. True story, the general manager tracked us down and asked if we were Katherine and Michael. Then he cryptically disappeared again after knowingly wiggling his eyebrows. Neither Michael nor I are great at handling secrets and surprises so we promptly set off guessing whodoneit. (I was right, immediately)

My sneaky best friend also wrote a really, really sweet note to me. It's totally blown out of proportion, but I would say it's one of my favorite things from this weekend and definitely a warm fuzzymaker because she hates being and saying sappy things in a public forum. (To pay her back, I'm linking it here :D) The note was even more warmfuzzymaking than a totally spoiled dining experience. 

My brothers all tried to come up with nice presents to get me as well. Intent is about 95% everything to me ;) so honestly, aww. I feel very loved. 

And my parents got me an Anthropologie gift card. I guess my mom watched me shop one too many times over the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. That was very nice too.

Here's to 2012... where I usually begin tracking a new year, anyway. One of my first resolutions is to get back into whatever habits and routines help keep me sane. 

"I feel like I'm trolling Facebook looking for a reason to cry!" - me

It's probably because I feel like I am "failing at life." This feeling may be triggered by the fact that I'm sleepy. Haha.

*don't feel too bad for me... this "depression" is about 75 minutes old. 

Just when you thought you had everything all figured out, along come the curveballs. 

Tell me, what do you do to not live your life in apprehension of those moments/days? :) 

Three or four things, that is, that are never satisfied or say "Enough!" However, those words were penned before I came along, so an updated version would no doubt add "Katherine" to the list of greediness.

See, this past month I set a personal goal. As the month progressed, it looked like I was pretty much on target to reach the goal - something that seemed pretty impossible at the beginning of the month (or even about 2 weeks in). However, circumstances aligned to make my goal seem like an easily attainable finish line and I got super presumptuous. I started banking on my achievement well before I even reached the right time. And instead of waiting patiently and working hard to continue strong, I got resentful and pushy when I had to wait on others to get me to the finish line. This afternoon, I found out there was an unexpected setback and got super grouchy (on the inside). 

Well, it turns out the numbers have been crunched and I hit all but perfection on my goal. It's like Some Grand Orchestrator out there chuckled and said, "OK, your self-esteem needed a boost, but it also needed to not quite hit your personal goal. You sure were getting cocky." 

And oh boy, I was.

So here's me, eating a slice of humble pie, acknowledging that I leaned way too much on my own understanding and have totally forgotten where I came from or what I didn't even dare dream of achieving last year. :D And that I am so grateful for every day, even when little things don't go my way - because the big things have all more or less fallen in place. 

Oh Israel, you may be an object lesson for countless generations of Sunday School children but man, I have so much understanding for your humanity right now. :D

(I feel like there should be an episode ending theme playing right now)

I can’t sleep
Ain’t no sleep a’coming
I’m just lying here thinking ‘bout you
I’m in deep
Falling deep into the picture in my mind of everything we’re gonna do

Over at the lake and down by the river
You can feel it start to rise
Wanna jump in my car, go wherever you are 
‘Cause I need you by my side

It’s gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
With your feet up on the dashboard now
Singing along with the radio, it’s such a beautiful sound
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
When you hold my hand in the back of my mind, just waiting on the sun to go down, the sun to go down

I wanna see your brown skin shimmer in the sun for the first time
I try to be the one who knows just what to do to you to get me that smile
One chance of meeting, you were walking by me on the street and I said hi
And that was the beginning of my heart spinnin’ like these wheels in my head tonight

It’s gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
With your feet up on the dashboard now
Singing along with the radio, it’s such a beautiful sound
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
When you hold my hand in the back of my mind, just waiting on the sun to go down, the sun to go down

The only place that I wanna be is where you are
‘Cause anymore than a heartbeat away is just too far

It’s gonna be a long, hot summer, we should be together
All I really want is more than this moment right now
And when you say my name in the middle of the day, I swear I see the stars come out
And when you hold my hand and I look into your eyes
I swear it looks like you’re waiting for the sun to go down, the sun to go down

I swear it’s like you’re waiting for the sun to go down
Waiting on the sun to go down
Hey, yeah
Oh, I’m loving thinking ‘bout you
I cant sleep, I’m just lying here thinkin’ ‘bout you 

I find it both fitting and gratifying that my first day as a Googler kicks off with this Doodle on the homepage. (Fell in love with Queen and particularly this song in college)

It's hard to express how exciting it is to look forward more to work than to partying/vacations/staying at home. I'm incredibly psyched for this new stage, and grateful for this new opportunity... "Don't Stop Me Now" indeed!

We're in the middle of a big drought and some ridiculous 112-degree temps in Dallas, so a breath of fresh cool air is always great. Mixed metaphors aside, I got the job and I am very grateful. :)